Romance for Dummies

A guy friend of mine recently asked " What's the fuss about romance novels? Why do girls like to read them so much?". And so I, being the nice and obliging friend, have decided to shed some light on these poor unenlightened souls, while at the same time aiding them in their quest to understand the mysterious beings that fall into the category of ' Females'.

The Heroine

What is a romance without a proper heroine? Heroines are separated into 2 classes, 1) the young, shy, fresh-out-of-school type and 2) The divorcee with a troubled past. Let me elaborate on the 1st category :

1) Young and innocent, falling head-over-heels in love with a much older man, defying all and sundry to be with him only to find out that married/ unmarried life is not all she imagined it would be

or

Young and sassy, with 'fire' and 'spirit' enough to burn down a few buildings, trying to protect her family/ business/ kampung from the tall, dark, broody and handsome man who represents a multi-million corporation.

or

Young and rich, but has lost her memory in some accident and had to live as a pauper until she meets the rich hero.

Heroines are almost invariably very ingeniously named, such as Dawn, Jade, Amber, Summer, Winter and almost any season you'd ever heard of. ALL of them have slim, slender bodies with long silky hair and porcelain skin. Most of them have a 'classical beauty' enough to catch the attention of the tall, dark, handsome hero.

The Hero

The hero is INVARIABLY TALL, HANDSOME with tons of MONEY or is the CEO of a multi-billion company. He must be taciturn and moody, with a troubled past and dislikes telling others of his troubles. Sometimes he turns out to be titled, or next in line to the title, or has distinguished titled and landed relatives. Most of them also have 'piercing eyes' that convey a wealth of meaning with just a glance. Sometimes the eyes change colour with his mood.

The heroes also have very unconventional names such as Lance, Rance, Quinn, Devlin, Brett and Gareth, but never once have I read a romance with a hero named Methuselah.

The Spoilsport

The spoilsport plays a very important role in the book. Without this character(s), there would be no agony and heartbreak (before the grand finale where the hero and heroine reunite) and what is a romance without the prerequisite heartbreak and emotional suffering? ( Cue sad songs and tears).

This character comes in many different forms, ie the evil scheming mistress/ex-wife/ ex-gf/ current gf/ snobbish parents/evil relatives/ ailing grandmother/ jealous children and so on and so forth. Such a character involves crafty planning, a creatively complicated web of lies, elaborate hoaxes and plenty of tears.

Most of them are amazingly beautiful with full long manes of silky hair, figures that models would die for and wear the most seductive scents ever to invade the paper nostrils of our paper heroes. None of them, however, seem to need to work and thus have plenty of time to scheme and plan.



The Plot

To simplify matters, let me put the plot in a shortened, chronological order :

1) Introduction to girl
2) Introduction to guy
3) Boy meets girl
4) Boy and girl have a fall-out ( usually regarding the girl trying to save her family/business/kampung re: above)
5) Boy and girl encounter many obstacles together
6) Girl realises she's in love with boy
7) Boy realises he's in love with girl
8) Emergence of MAJOR block to their love - usually an old flame/ existing girl-friend/ ex-wife/ Snobbish parents / girl has major sickness and does not wish to burden boy etc etc
9) Boy and girl go their separate ways
10) Few years pass ( during which not only would the boy and girl retain their good looks and riches, they might even become better- looking and richer than before!)
11) Boy meets girl again, realises they can't live without each other
12) Solution to their love block ( ex-wife/gf's schemes are exposed/ snobbish parents learns their lesson and mellows/ misunderstandings are cleared/ mysteries explained/ they've found the meaning to life and the cure for AIDS while they were at it etc etc)
13) They LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER ( this is a staple in ALL romance stories)


Some Quick Facts:

1) On the cover of romance novels you'll usually see these words : '' Best -selling author of...'' whatever title of book they've written before, usually, but not limited to, previous romance novels (sometimes even books on cooking and DIY books!! haha..naaahhh..i'm exaggerating)
2) Successful romance writers tend to continue a successful bestseller with sequels involving 'kelefe' characters in the books, such as the heroine's brother/sister/son/daughter/ cousin's nephew's daughter's bestfriend's maiden aunt's niece.
3) Often romances with sequels have corresponding titles (eg: The Bride of XX, followed by The Bride of YY and then the Bride of ZZ)
4) Titles usually include the words ' Passion' or ' Fire' or 'Rhapsody' and sometimes 'Ecstasy' (sound like street names for drugs :P) eg: The Forbidden Rhapsody, The Hidden Fire etc.

And with that I conclude my tutorial on romance novels. Any enquiries may be directed to the author, via msn or through the comment board. Any gifts of gratitude may also be directed to the author, preferably in the form of a blank cheque :P

The author has no claim of authority on this subject. However, the author has read more than 100 romance novels and stories since she was 13 and has been bored of romances ever since she was 17 after exhausting her mother's romance resources - their home library of romance novels - by reading the entire repertoire more than once. This is a case of romance overload resulting in the very practical and unromantic girl you see today. ^-^